The world and North Korea

I don’t understand how we can allow North Korea to continue to cause so much pain and suffering to so many people. Maybe they want help, maybe they don’t. But I don’t understand how we can allow another Hitler like person to KILL people. It’s a fucking outrage. Why can’t we save them?

Please can we save these people? I’m sick of the entire fucking world suffering. Nobody wants to talk about it. Well here I am talking about it. I’m putting it out there. We should be doing something about this!!! Not sitting on our asses allowing lives to be destroyed.

I know it’s complicated and not as easy as just rescuing people…but it’s wrong to let this continue to happen…. It’s just wrong and we all know it. Why can’t we just come together as a world, as HUMANS and help each other?

I don’t understand the world. I hate the world. I hate this world. I hope there is a better world out there somewhere. I don’t want this time period to be known as the people who sat by and didn’t help a country with people being put in concentration camps AGAIN.

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Dreaming of murder

I am plagued with nightmares. So much anger inside of myself. Coming to terms with it finally but months ago I was having nightmares every night. Over and over again. I couldn’t get away from them.

Nightmares of my boyfriend leaving me or cheating on me…I’m looking for him and every where I turn I’m just a few steps behind him but I’m never fast enough and he always disappears.

Nightmares of my parents yelling at me and finding me. It causes me so much anxiety. I can’t handle it.

I scared the shit out of myself when I had a nightmare of murder.  I took a gun to their house and I’m yelling at them and screaming at them about how they are fucked up but they don’t believe me and they refuse to admit they messed up. I pulled the trigger on her. Then I woke up. Scared of myself. Am I a murderer?

The fog is lifting

There’s been this fog that I’ve been stuck in my entire life because of my family. My parents. The things they did wrong and the emotional problems they have caused me. The inner turmoil that I’ve been so confused about my whole life. Is it caused by them? Of course it is.

I’ve never been able to be really proud of myself. Happy for myself. To feel good when I look in the mirror. To feel good about ANYTHING I’ve ever done. Im-fucking-possible. Graduating high school, college. Nope can’t feel proud about that either. Always just looking at what I could have done better. Just surviving is an amazing gift in this fucked up terrible world filled with sadness and death and tragedies.

My mother, the bipolar suicidal crazy bitch, that caused me to have this fucked up view of relationships, friendships, and life. And my dad, the enabler, who allowed her to be fucked up and not get help and to allow her to treat her children like shit and allowed her to treat him like shit too. To make me feel as if our family is normal and that’s they way things should be. FUCK that. Fuck you, fuck both of you.  I feel so much anger inside of myself when I talk about this. I thought I was getting past the anger and FINALLY feeling better, becoming content with myself, but I guess not. That’s okay. It’s a work in progress for me. It’s okay to be ANGRY as fuck, it’s okay to cry because you didn’t get the parents you deserved. It’s not my fault. It’s not YOUR fault. It’s not. IT’S NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT. It’s okay to be selfish and look out for yourself sometimes. It’s okay to put your needs before others… even before your parents, especially if all they do is cause you pain.

Pain, suffering, tragedy. Help me. Let me help you. I love you. I don’t want you to be in pain. I don’t want to be in pain. Pain happens though and it’s okay. Let yourself feel just for a couple minutes today. It’s okay to feel.

Some days are better than others

But today is not one of those days. There were some moments where I felt I was actually accomplishing something, but the majority of the day I felt alone, depressed, and overwhelmed. I tried focusing on other things. I might be getting a new car but I’m overwhelmed about that type of commitment. I used my awesome Hitachi wand, which did help for a little while. But then I just crashed at the first little thing that bothered me. Wanting to curl up in bed and just cry.

I’m currently in the process of cutting my mother out of my life. Unfortunately, my mom and dad come as a package. It’s either both or neither. So I basically have neither. I have mediocre relationships with my sisters. Not many friends. The friends I do have I can’t really talk to them. No real support system.

Whenever I think of “support” systems I think back to a few years ago when I was in college. I just got out of an abusive relationship and went to a free school psychologist. I remember her asking me about my family. She asked whether I had good relationships with my parents and if I felt like I had a good support system. I said, yes, of course. Not realizing at the time how my family really was and still is messed up, mainly because of my mother. I ended up not going back to the therapist ever again after the second time. I decided I didn’t really like her, I mean she was nice as a person, but she was only training and asking to record our sessions.

Well the boyfriend is going to be home soon. He recently shaved off his beard and I miss it a lot. I like guys hairy chest, arms, and legs. But not TOO much hair, ya know?

Gotta go!

Tell me I’m beautiful

When I was a young girl, around middle school age, I remember the anger and self hatred I had towards myself. My eyes… would turn this beautiful crystal blue, but they were puffy and blood shot from crying for so long. I just remember staring into the mirror thinking how ugly I am and how awful it is to be who I am. Oh how I wished to be someone else.

Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror now, I still feel that young girl creeping up in the back of my mind telling myself you are ugly. I still wish I was somebody else. Somebody more confident and beautiful, who finds it easy to make friends. And someone with a wonderful supportive family. That’s what I wish for.

I feel so desperate for love and attention sometimes. It’s like a hunger, it’s what I need to survive and live another day. Then when I actually get the attention I crave for, when I’m told how beautiful I am, I don’t EVER believe. I want them to keep telling me over and over again until I’m convinced and healed.

But it’s never enough.

Creepy Craigslist Sexual Encounter

Yep, I posted a sex ad on Craiglist. This was about 3 or so years ago. I was still in college and had no boyfriend for a couple years. I was extremelyyyy horny pretty much all the time. So I decided WHY NOT make an ad for exactly what I’m looking for in a Dom. I thought that maybe I could find a fulfilling dom/sub relationship.

Meeting up with guys from online wasn’t new to me at all, but I had never used craigslist and never specifically met up with anyone for BDSM type play. I’ve used pof.com and fetlife.com. Oh and xbox live! I guess I’m just secretly a dirty dirty little whore 😉

So you can just imagine my sex ad where I talk about the kinky stuff I like, including the rape fantasy bits. I got lots of responses, most really creepy where all they say is “I’ll rape you” with a dick pic attached. I wasn’t sure I would find anybody that was truly legit. Looking back, I wish I would have kept those messages so that I could post them here.

Out of all the responses I got, I would end up going to see three different men. Only one of them legitimately and actively in the BDSM world, we’ll call him H and I’ll talk about how awesome he is later. The other two guys… well let’s just say I got interesting stories out of going to see them. One of them was a creeper and this is my story about him.

So I’m driving to see this guy, we’ll call him B. It’s fairly late at night and I already feel like it is a horrible idea, but I do it anyway because, well, I’m very very impulsive. I suppose it’s my ADD coupled with sex addiction. I get to his apartment and he looks nothing like his pictures, for one. He’s much older than he said, very tall, and not very attractive at all. Then he starts complimenting me, telling me how I’m prettier than he expected and how I look like a nice, modest, southern girl and I don’t look like all the whores around the college campus. How I must be different than all of them. He says “I don’t have any STD’s I can prove it to you” and tries to show me his paperwork. I don’t look at the paperwork and just say “I believe you”. We sit down and watch a really old TV comedy show that I had never heard of, but it’s his “favorite”. At one point I say a few things sarcastically and get a little attitude with him, because that’s just the way I am sometimes. So he tries to tell me how I make a horrible submissive and I’m not cut out for it, blah blah blah. Like he really knows me after talking to me for 30 minutes.

He talks about various things, including his military career and some creepy stories about killing people. To be more specific he talks about using a knife to cut through and down a person’s chest. Then I notice a cute, cuddly cat walking around and I get kinda excited because I love animals and I thought that was a sign that he might be a normal person. Until he picks the poor thing up by the tail and proceeds to tell me “Oh he likes it when I do that, don’t worry”…

So I’m getting extremely creepy vibes from him and I’m worried that if I try to leave he might try to stop me and may even hurt me… and I really don’t want to piss him off cause then I might end up cut into pieces and thrown in a dumpster.

I was on my period and I thought that would stop him from wanting to do anything, but he just says he doesn’t care. B also said that he has had a vasectomy and that we don’t need to use a condom. I don’t argue with him and just let him do what he wants. He asks me multiple times if he could call his buddy to come over and tells me how much I would like a threesome, but I kept telling him no. I’m surprised he didn’t call his buddy over anyway. I’m thankful he didn’t.

So like I said, I just let him do what he wanted because I was worried what might happen to me if I said no to him. So he takes me into his bedroom and I lay on the bed, naked. I tell him I still have my tampon in and he dives in to go get it. Takes it out and goes to throw it away for me! When he comes back he dives back into my vagina and proceeds to go down on me, blood and all. I was completely and utterly disgusted. UGH. Obviously, I didn’t enjoy it at all and I was having a really hard time pretending that I did. I’m just hoping for it to be over REALLY fucking soon. After he comes back up, he wants to kiss me *barf* and then enters me.

Suddenly, he stops. He looks at me completely serious and says “You’re going to come back to see me again right?”

I said “Why?”

“Promise me you are going to come back again.”

I’m really confused and worried.. thinking I better say yes… otherwise he might do something to me.

Then he says “I have your wallet, license, and credit card. I’m not giving it back to you until you come back here again.”

I’m thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! When the fuck did he grab my shit and hide it from me??? Was it when he went to throw away the tampon???

Then he says “I’m just kidding I don’t have it.” And I’m really not sure whether to believe him or not.

Finally he finishes fucking me, having cummed inside of me, and me just feeling absolutely disgusted that I have let this happen to myself.

I get dressed, grab my things, check to make sure I have my wallet, and leave as fast as possible. Thankful that I just survived. For a couple of weeks, I get nasty, mean text messages from him, putting me down and expecting me to come back to see him. Until he finally stops and I never hear from him again.

Compulsive Masturbating

Just typing the word “masturbate” makes me want to get out my hitachi wand, pull up some James Deen BDSM porn and cum over and over again. Sometimes I wish I was a porn star just so James Deen can have complete control over my entire body. But don’t tell my boyfriend I said that 😉 haha

When I was single, I would search online and go to random strangers houses for sex. I would masturbate (over and over again) every single night before I went to sleep, and sometimes just randomly throughout the day. Whenever I was bored really. It was compulsive and made me feel fucking amazing in the moment, but never for very long. Soon after the feelings of loneliness, shame, and guilt reappeared. That’s probably why I developed the habit of doing it over and over and over again until I’m too exhausted to even feel lonely and empty.  

Now that I have the boyfriend, I do it a lot less frequently, but when I do masturbate, the feelings of shame and guilt seem to be even worse than they were before. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being.

I replaced masturbating with constantly trying to have sex with the boyfriend. When I don’t get sex I just get depressed and feel completely inadequate and ugly, not sexy enough, etc. Then I just want to go masturbate. Eventually it just drags me down into a dark place.